I've broken the 180 mark, which is really a great thing. I have SUCH an issue breaking that number that to do it has really given me pep. Had it happened yesterday, I think I would have been better.
A lot of personal issues are coming to light - I referred to it before, but my constant way of finding excuses to give in, to not be determined. I used to reach out and get what I wanted, work hard, day and night to achieve it. Now I feel like I've spent the last few years making excuses - why I couldn't exercise (no time, didn't feel like it, needed to clean the house, it was raining, etc.) or why didn't I practice bellydance or yoga (no time, didn't feel like it, needed to clean the house, feel achey, wanted to spend time with my husband, working late.) And I LOVE dance and exercise - so why the committment issues? I don't know, and it is coming to light as a pretty big problem. I can find an excuse for anything - and I'll even find ways to induce physical excuses - fall and hurt myself, get a cold, etc. So many things feed this - and it is all mental. I EXPECT to get sick after working out for a few days in a row...it's my modus operandi and my alibi.
So, now I'm scared. I'm scared that it will all come back and I'll be enmeshed in my bad habits again. I am trying to make plans for working out and slowly introducing food...but I've done all this before - all the planning that I do almost every week or month and never follow through on. I fashion it as self-sacrifice (had to help my husband with the business, had to make him dinner, had to help him here, spending time with him for the health of my relationship) but it really is serving myself a healthy excuse to avoid success...because with success comes responsibility.
Well, that was something of a spew. Today I am wearing pants I've never worn. I bought them because they were a deal and I only needed to "lose 10 pounds or so" to fit in them properly...well, I wasn't able to ever lose that 10 pounds I needed to lose. I have a couple pairs of pants like that, actually. I'm hoping that ultimately, with the average loss of 1-2 pounds daily, I will reach the low 170s, and from there I can spike back up to 175 with food, begin my exercise regimen all over again while introducing foods to see how my body reacts to them.
I am still completely freezing all the time and the weather is nasty...not fitting for my little summer suit. I have no real plans for the next four days - which is good - and perhaps I'll start to add in exercise and dance practice so that when I come off the fast I won't have to balance NOT shoving food in my face and incorporating exercise. Here's hoping.