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[irondawn]

Denial is a sign of going through the stages of loss, and yes, my brain is firmly in denial. 

Over the last two days it has tried to talk me out of this, and this morning it started two different approaches - the first being shock and awe (those of you from the US recognize this misleading technique) about the whole thing and the second being denial.

The Brain's Shock and Awe Method:  "It's Day 3.  Day 3!!! 7 days is FOREVER!  Prisoners of War don't have to go that long without food.  Only Day 3!!! A WHOLE WEEK MORE!  Oh the AGONY!"

The Brain's Denial Method: "Oh, there's a hot dog stand.  Darnit - left the money up in the office.  Maybe we can come back down and get one."  Or "While we're over here, perhaps we should get some popcorn."  "Perhaps we should look at the menu for the cafeteria and see what we are interested in eating today." 

So far, today is the worst day.  I didn't think it would be, but my body/brain is telling me all sorts of things.  Things like, "At 5 o'clock you can go home and have dinner."  Or "You just have to get through today...tomorrow you can have food."  Come again?  This is truly the evil part of my brain - the part that pushes me to fail or give in to things.  It's the lazy brain that doesn't like change.

I'm still freezing.  I should perhaps walk up and down the 6 flights of steps to my floor and see if I can't warm up that way.

I'm bored, so I want to eat.  Or even have tea.  If I were at home, I could distract myself for a sufficient amount of time to not feel hungry.  But here at work, I've got no where to go.  My only hope is that since I've been coming in early, I should leave a little early and go straight to the gym.  That will make me feel better...I hope.

[irondawn]

You know, I barely taste the syrup.  Perhaps that is part of the problem - I've been cutting too much into the syrup?  I need more calories?  Is this the body's way of flagging me saying, "Hey, we're not getting enough here!"

[mpq]

The Brain's Denial Method: "Oh, there's a hot dog stand.  Darnit - left the money up in the office.  Maybe we can come back down and get one."  Or "While we're over here, perhaps we should get some popcorn."  "Perhaps we should look at the menu for the cafeteria and see what we are interested in eating today." 



I have never been a snack machine person. I guess that comes from being "chubby" from day one. But for some reason, when I go to visit my mom in the nursing home, and go to get a bottle of water, I have to stand in front of the snack machine and determine which snack I would have if I were able to eat one of them without any guilt. I have never purchased one, never came close to purchasing one. But have to go through this ritual every time. How stupid I can be!

[irondawn]

I have never been a snack machine person. I guess that comes from being "chubby" from day one. But for some reason, when I go to visit my mom in the nursing home, and go to get a bottle of water, I have to stand in front of the snack machine and determine which snack I would have if I were able to eat one of them without any guilt. I have never purchased one, never came close to purchasing one. But have to go through this ritual every time. How stupid I can be!

I don't think you're stupid...I think it is one of the coping mechanisms that we put together to get through little things like that.  Like every time I see cheetos, I have to remember that despite the fact that I CAN eat them, I SHOULDN'T eat them.

[irondawn]

I'm kind of sad.  At my LJ, I got several negative comments from my friends about the fast.  While on the surface I knew this would probably happen, inside it upsets me and now I'm thinking that perhaps I should only go three days and then try for a longer one another time..if ever. 

It's weird - I'm not usually affected by what other people think of me like this.  For some reason, though, I just want to give up.

[mpq]

Irondawn, how do you feel physically? Maybe you should chat with falconcy. it could just be a normal phase of this detox you are going through.

[irondawn]

CONS:  I feel bored, cold.  Want to eat stuff.  Want to be able to go out with my friend tomorrow night and not have to suck off this bottle of lemonade.  I've lost four pounds...but I'll probably just regain it anyway, right?

PROS: But I want to do this cleanse.  I want to show that I can do something when I put my mind to it.  I want to make this the first step in a direction towards conquering my failure trend where things "happen" to stop me from achieving my goals.  Part of me thinks it is insane that I'm doing it, but part of me says that this is just a first step in the direction towards really being able to defeat my body's holding onto fat.  And to recreate a relationship with food.

So frustrated.  Tired of fighting myself.  I am so my own worst enemy.

[mpq]

CONS:  I feel bored, cold.  Want to eat stuff.  Want to be able to go out with my friend tomorrow night and not have to suck off this bottle of lemonade.  I've lost four pounds...but I'll probably just regain it anyway, right?

Do something positive for yourself. Go buy an outfit a size smaller. Look at your friends, are they all as slim and healthy as you are going to be? It's only one night. Tomorrow will pass quickly. but I think for right now if possible, go do something!
Good luck!!

[irondawn]

That's not a bad idea, mpq.  Perhaps I will go buy myself something...something that will support this process.  The negative are really hammering on me today, but maybe I can beat it.

It doesn't help that when I called my husband for support, he started EATING while on the phone with me.  Torture!  I'm really peeved at him about it now.

[falconcy]

Tomorrow will be a lot better, day 3 is always the worst. I've now done 10 days lemonade, 7 days soup, 10 days lemonade and I'm about to hit the soup again (after a day on juice) The biggest problem is keeping yourself occupied and not thinking about food all the time, do that and it will get a lot easier. I can now walk past almost anything and not really crave it. I think I have successfully broken the last part of the relationship with food. I still want to eat, I just know that I will need to go through a bit more of this in order to be able to eat.

Hang on in there, you can do it and you will feel a lot better if you do it.

[irondawn]

falconcy -I really hope so.   Today was just killer beyond imagining.  So much of my own personal issues with this situation.

On the Master Cleanse site, they told me to hang on...I'm probably really detoxing.

looked at my tongue...and it has started to go white.  So...onward I go till tomorrow.  I've told myself that I'll allow myself to stop if my tongue gets pink before day 10.

But I've seriously had doubts about my ability to continue.  I keep asking myself "Why would you stop?" and I don't have a good reason other than "I don't wanna do it anymore."  Not good enough.

Brewing my tea and heading to bed.  Perhaps tomorrow will be better.  Thank you for the support, both of you!

[falconcy]

There are gonna be some bad days, it is something you can get through. I have felt the same sensations, I just kept slogging on. This is the second time in succession I've done it and it got easier as time went by. I am about to start the juice/soup phase from today. Sunday is going to be a killer with the Christening, I will just eat veggie based stuff and the morning after do a salt water flush which should clean most of it out. Gonna try and avoid tomatoes, eating mostly green salad and tahini dip, much depends on what is available. I am definitely not eating any meat. That will be easy as I tend to cook lean meat, usually from decent cuts, they will use the roughest cuts, full of fat and gristle, YUK!!!

You can get through this, just focus. Try meditation if you are having a hard time, just clear your mind out. Try to think of nothing at all. I found that helped.

[irondawn]

The mornings are always better.  Mainly because I have stuff to do and not enough time to really think about how things are going.  And the relief after elimination (from the cramps) is so good that I probably feel more positive.

Weight - 182.5

Today I am feeling kind of sick.  Like phlegmy and gross.  Where the back of your throat and head feel thick.  Ugh.

[falconcy]

I went through that, kinda like I had a cold, but didn't if that makes any sense. It will pass, it is all part of the detox process. You may also have that crappy mouth feel too. The way around it is to swill your mouth with sesame oil for about 20 mins, then spit it out.

This is worth it in the end. Feeling rough is usually part of the cleanup process, so just reassure yourself that it will make you feel better in the end.

[irondawn]

They sent me home from work, and now I'm trying to clean up the house, take care of some things.  I bought the vegetable broth and will put it in my pantry.  Bought more lemons.

Still feeling pretty icky and I have to get together with some out of town friends tonight.  That and I found out that we're having a going away party for someone on the 8th, and that is the first day off the fast - I'm not sure how I'm going to do that.  But part of me wonders if my concern on that is only a ploy to quit the fast. 

Day Four seems SO far from ten. 

The thing I miss the most right now?  My kombucha!  Second most missed thing?  Bread.  This last one is probably good since individuals were saying that if you craved the item, you are probably detoxing it.  Well, I NEED to detox the gluten from my system.